Thursday, July 16, 2009

Remembering Chris

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I feel as though there is this dark cloud hanging over today. I guess it's just the way it is.

I cannot help but reflect back to a year ago. My Dad called me to say my youngest brother Chris had written him a suicide email from Thailand. I thought for sure he was misunderstanding it. I asked him to forward it to me and he did. I read it and was horrified. I emailed Chris and begged him not to do it. I think many of us tried to email him. We weren't sure if it had happened yet or not. How could we know.

My dad, or maybe it was one of my brothers, I can't remember who, called Thailand police. We then just waited. We worried we would never hear back from the police, so we would never know. I really didn't think we would find out that night, but we did.

The phone rang very late. It was Susan, my Dad's very compassionate wife. She told me as gently as she could that the police in Thailand had found Chris' body. This of course was not the news any of us wanted to hear, but at least we knew. At least we would not have to go through the rest of our lives wondering if he were dead or alive.

So many regrets I have. I think we all do but I can only speak for myself. Why didn't I try harder to reach out to him? He never returned my phone calls, but also, I did not call very often.

I have many memories of him growing up. Many good ones. I even remember the day he was born. I can still picture my mom pacing the living room while in labor with him. She made us a tape from the hospital, sharing her thoughts of his birth. I still have that tape but not sure it can ever be saved, but I will look into it.

We took this one on Memorial Day

My Dad sent me this one yesterday.Back of his funeral program.

Some past posts of him:
A video his friend Berrett Rice made about Chris last year.
Memories of Chris
Christopher Kerry Rozier
My struggle to understand


Eileen said...

Of course, Jill, you feel darkness all around you today. Death is never easy, but especially so when you can't grasp of such an act of desperation. This sadness has touched our lives too, and the thought of the darkness our loved one had to be in is also overwhelming. This place where life is not sacred, this place that needs escape, this place that leads to such drastic devastation. How could that darkness envelope our loved ones? How could that darkness take them away? How could our love not sustain and save them?

Just hold on to the thought of the light, the peace, and the happiness your brother has now, Jill, resting in the Peaceful Arms of Our Father.

I wish there was something I could say, Jill, but I know there are no words.
God Bless you and your family.
Love and Prayers,

grandmapeg said...

I'm sure this day is a hard one for all of your family. That is a nice picture of your dad and Chris and I'm sure it is a treasure to your dad. I remember the helplessness you felt that night and shared with me. It's been a rough couple of years for your dad and you and your siblings but there is love and hope...always through our Heavenly Father and our Savior. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family today.

Mitzi said...

Chris is on my mind today too and I thought you may write a tribute so I found your blog again and checked back.

I miss him, and regardless of what his beliefs may or may not have been, my hope and prayer is that God's grace and love have reached and covered him and I'll see him again one day.

Blessings to you all,


Eileen said...

Jill, I wasn't sure if you'd check my blog but I'll answer here just in case.
My Mom passed in February of 2006, and my Dad passed in August 2007. My Mom as you know suffered with Alzheimer's the last six years of her life. And my Dad had a very rare neurological disease which he suffered with the last ten years of his life and he ended up bedridden.

I am so sorry for all your losses, and especially today on this sad remembrance.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers,

Lisa said...

It seems like yesterday that this happened. It is awfully sad to think about it & surely there are no words adequate to compensate for his absence or dispel the emotions that come at a time like this.

You always post such lovely and beautiful thoughts and memories. I am sorry that you all have suffer such pain. May the Lord bless you with His peace & comfort you.

The Temple is a wonderful place to go. It offers the unique blessings that can only come from the House of the Lord. Eternal perspective and love.

Tom and Karen Mortensen said...

Thanks for the sweet words you put on my blog today. That was nice. I too saw this earlier and didn't quite know what to say. I hope your family will find peace in this and you will see blessing that came to your life because of this. I hope you and your family will be able to find answers to your questions in this life but for sure you will find them in the next. Your family is awesome.

Dad and Susan said...

Dear Jill, Thanks for this blog about Chris. You always do such an outstanding job. We loved the pictures of Chris--they are ones we've not seen before. Jenny sent the flowers we put on his grave. The ones you put on were still there and very pretty. Love, Dad and Susan

Amy Nielson said...

I can't believe it has been a year already. Reading this made me feel that I need to be a better sister to Kevin. Thanks for the post.

Valerie said...

I can't imagine getting that horrible news! Thanks for sharing your tender feelings and giving me a chance to reflect on my own relationship with my family.

lchan said...

Thanks for writing this and for posting these pictures of Chris.

I meant to write something about Chris myself, and probably still will, but it's hard to put these things into words.

Jill said...

Oh I so know what you mean.

tina rice said...

what a sad day! thanks for posting these pictures--i love seeing him again.

Jill said...

I so agree. Very sad day Tina, always will be. Thank you for commenting.