Thursday, November 18, 2010

I'm still trying to reprogram myself

Every November for the past 14 years I fight something within myself.  I went to a therapist once about this and asked her, "WHY if my life is so GOOD, do I struggle every November?" She explained that our brains are like computers. If we put a program in our computer, on the screen we can expect certain images to come up right? Apparently I relate the beautiful Autumn weather, the falling leaves, the crisp air, to the death of my first husband, since we buried him the day before Thanksgiving. 

It's okay. It's just kind of strange because while I don't feel sad, I will sometimes cry as I see leaves falling. Like the tears come out of nowhere.

I don't even think about his death much anymore, I really don't.
But November does it for me.

I know many struggle with similar emotions on the holidays. Dennis' children lost their grandmother suddenly this morning.  It will be a tough week for them, and a bitter sweet Thanksgiving without their Grandma Pearl.

So maybe that's one of the reasons I like this Father Knows Best video clip so much. I found it a few days after last Thanksgiving, but waited for a year to roll around again so I could share it here.

So just take 5 minutes and go back to 1954.

Thanksgiving was all about Family then, and it's all about Family now.
I love the prayer at the end. Something we would never see on TV now.


Rebecca said...

Did the therapist tell you how to reprogram your mind? That is what I want to know? I need to do this too!!! I liked that clip, so cute.

Robin said...

I love that video, and I agree the prayer is awesome and I wish TV was like this today !!!

Grandma Honey said...

Rebecca~ She just basically wanted me to understand it. I guess by doing that I can live with it better. I really thought by now the good memories would have replaced the bad ones. I have found that many people are going through similar emotions close to the holidays...for a variety of reasons.

Robin~ I SO AGREE! Old TV was SO GOOD. Pure and innocent, and good.

Eileen said...

I loved this post, perfect video, perfect prayer!
I feel especially bittersweet at this time of year, so thankful for so many Blessings, yet I also carry such a heavy heart for all that is past and will never be again in this life. I don't think that it takes anything away from us to recognize the missing pieces of our lives.
It certainly hasn't stopped you from continuing on a life-affirming, love-affirming, Faith-affirming journey.

I think you are such an inspiration, Jill, and you affirm love, and family, and life, and the relationship you had with your former husband, and the relationship you have today with Dennis, by continuing to live such a Faith-filled, honest, authentic life that recognizes true beauty and is grateful for God's Splendor in her life.
And thank you for sharing it all.

And I agree that Kylie has such artistic talent!
'Loved the beautiful family photos!
God Bless!
Love and Prayers,
PS ~ Thank you for your kind comments to me on my blog.

Scrapally said...

That is a great clip...I miss good TV! I went to your other post about the day you buried your husband. I am so touched by your strength and your love for your family. you have a beautiful way of writing. Emotions are a part of us and they do tend to come closer to the surface at times. I suppose this is a good thing...makes us human. Enjoy your holidays and hugs to your whole family. Thank you for sharing so much of them with us.

Ammy said...

That prayer made me cry!!!! I loved it. Jill, I go through the same thing around August (when my dad passed away) and then around the holidays, every year! It's hard because the hurt will never go away...ever...The thing is, though, is that other people go through the same thing. Yes, I did loose my dad but other people have lost their children and spouses too. It is so comforting to have a testimony of our true gospel! And other people are here to help us through the hurt. It weird because the holidays are a happy time but when the ONE person you want to be there, isn't, it makes it sad. BUT people always remember you around the holidays and I have never felt so much love.

Dad and Susan said...

That clip was certainly a blast from the past! That show came up just the other day--After going to the temple with my daughter, I decided to help her clean her kitchen. One thing led to another and I ended up mopping the floor. When I sat down I realized I was in my Sunday clothes and I had just mopped a floor. I said I felt like I was in an episode of Father Knows Best!

It's hard to lose a loved one at holiday time. We'll keep Dennis's kids in our thoughts and prayers.

Love, Dad and Susan

Sue said...

I always loved watching Father Knows Best, and watching this excerpt made me tear up...not just because it was touching, but because you would never see such a scene today.

And that makes me sad for my children and their children.

The good news is that we can make sure that kind of scene does continue to happen in our own homes.


PS. I'm sorry this is a hard time of year for you, and I think it's good that you honor that as you have here. Acknowledging difficult feelings always seems to free people up to let them go enough to feel the enjoyable ones.

cristie said...

Oh how I loved that family. Thanks for a blast from the past. xox

grandmapeg said...

I think I remember that episode of Father Knows Best. I long for the old television shows so I'm glad you showed that clip. November is a hard time for me too since this is the month my mother passed away. I really miss giving her that single rose on my birthday and that is what makes me tear up. We move forward but it is human nature to remember loved ones. My condolences to Dennis and his children.

darlene said...

What an intense time for you! My heart goes out to you this season. And to Dennis too. Thank him, by the way, for the message to Steve.
Love you!

Kathy's Red Door Welcome said...

Our very cells hold memories in them, I feel the same way in February and May. There is always some bitter with the sweet. Thanks for sharing how you feel. Sending you big hugs! I always love Father Knows Best!

the Rich girl said...

I've never seen Father Knows Best. I think I've heard about it . . . maybe.

But wow, what a contrast to TV today! So different! And what a beautiful prayer.

Can't wait to see you in a few days!

Grandmotherfairy said...

Thank you for your so many, that I sure you don't know about...and thank for the clip...I so miss good TV...Have a wonderful Thanksgiving...

Mar~ said...

What a beautiful prayer. And isn't that what Thanksgiving is all about!
Thanks, Jill.
You were in my thoughts and prayers all week.