Thursday, November 20, 2008

The reason I have not been here

You may or may not have noticed that I have not written a lot this past week.

I have decided to face some things this coming weekend, and I have been preparing for that.It has been 12 years since my first husband passed away. I don't talk about it much, and I have only written about it in my journal. But it is part of our history and I feel it needs to be recorded for my grandchildren who may have questions in years to come.

If this is something that bothers you, or you would rather not read about, then you might want to skip this blog on Saturday and Sunday.

I'm also going to cook my very first Thanksgiving dinner in 12 years next week. Being he died the week of Thanksgiving in 1996, I have related that day to those times. I know this probably does not make sense to those who have not gone through the death of a close loved one. It doesn't even make sense to me at times...especially considering I am very happy with Dennis and the life we have created together.

A therapist once explained to me that our brains are much like computers. If we put data in, we can expect certain results. I use to get depressed somewhat every November. I couldn't figure out why because I felt I was done grieving, I wasn't even thinking about that...and yet November would come and I would feel sad. Then I understood that my brain was interpreting the falling leaves, the cooler days, the smell of Fall, the smell of turkey cooking even, as a time of sadness. It wasn't, but that is what was in my "computer". Does this make any sense? I am working now on de-programming my "computer".

Postscript: I wrote this last night, and now reading it this morning it sounds pathetic. I hope no one thinks I am grieving and never got over this...or that I'm trying to imply in anyway that I am the only one who has had a tragedy in my life. We have all had is part of living. The first year and a half were very difficult, but life is really wonderful and has been for years. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve, I know that.

I was just trying to say that I am trying to bring back the day of Thanksgiving in the way it use to be. I use to love making a big turkey dinner and I just sort of turned that off 12 years ago. We still celebrated it, I just didn't do the cooking. This year is a new beginning in that sense. There will be a turkey in our oven! :)


Mary said...

I know this will be hard for you, but it will be so worthwhile for both you and your family. Having experienced myself how we can attach loss to events, music, even movies seen during difficult times, I do understand. I will look forward to reading what you choose to share. May God bless you in this endeavor.

nrozier said...

Thank you for writing this entry. I admire your bravery to tackle the subject in public. I look forward to reading your thoughts during what will be a hard week for me as well.

Lisa said...

You've always been an inspiration and a marvel to me. It's remarkable to realize where you were, what you've passed through and who you are today. I can't imagine the grief & trauma of losing your husband. I've only known you since two years after you married Dennis. I've only seen the powerful and rich life you lead as a daughter & woman of God. And through this passage-you will once again move steadily forward. I'm glad you came back to your blog-Of course we NOTICED you hadn't written anything! We love you.

Anonymous said...

Sorry Jill. I had been wondering too but I had forgotten about that. I hope you are doing okay. I know what you mean though. I have gone through something similar myself. It is with my son. The 18th of November was the day that we placed him in the group home. I always do the same thing. This year wasn't so bad. I almost didn't think about it all day. Time really does help. I understand about re-programing your brain. You really have to do that. I did that on the anniversay of when my dad died. I would do stuff on that day so I would have memories of what happened that day instead of my dad passing away on that day. Keep up the good work. You are an awesome woman. You have come so far sense then. I think you have made a lot of progress. Keep goin. I hope this all makes sense to you.

Jill said...

Thank you for all your very kind comments. Since writing this post last night, I have added a postscript to it. Do you ever write something and then the next day, think, oh no, that did not come out right?

Natalie....I know this is going to be a hard week for you and your family. And next month, well, that won't be any easier. I still have a hard time really believing Robin is not right here with us. I know she is aware of us but I'd sure like to know what she is doing now. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, and all of you. I see so much of both you and Robin in Hailey. Oh, that sweet little Hailey! I wish she had her own little blog so we could read about her adventures with Ava in preschool and dance!

Beth Swann said...

I remember when it happened, Jill. I remember how I cried for you and your family. I admire you, too, for enduring so well such a huge challenge in your life. I think of you and family often and am glad to hear you are able to get some good from it all and continue progressing despite the tough times. I'm glad you feel strong enough to address it and offer your strength of perspective for the generations to come. I know they will appreciate it!

Jill said...

Beth, I will never ever forget the most wonderful dinner your mom made for us the next day. Fried chicken and mashed potatoes...real comfort food. It was the first thing we had eaten after his death the night before. Suddenly we all looked at the glorious food and we realized we were starving. It tasted so good!

Ammy said...

I loved your post. I know how it is and how you feel and felt. We have had a lot of tradegies in our lives...especially the past 2 years but you know? I am so thankful for the gospel and the knowledge of the plan of salvation that we have. The gospel is awesome and so are the people of the gospel. The people of the gospel sure do help life be easier. It is all hard to understand and it NOT fair! But knowing that there are people who have gone through what we have or worse, makes life a little easier.
Love ya,

grandmapeg said...

I know how this month each year has been hard for you and I also know how in some ways it is gradually getting easier. I think that is one of the tender mercies of Heavenly Father. Those who read your story over the next few days will gain much from you, your family and the experiences you all have had. I know I have learned so much from your story.

Kathy said...

Dearest Jill,
I'm so glad you wrote this blog. I don't know how I missed this post, because I usually look to see what you've written everyday. I've been a little sad thinking about Thanksgiving, because all of my married life, with the exception of the last five years, we have always celebrated Thanksgiving with my mother. I didn't even know how to prepare a turkey for the first ten years of my marriage.
It it so strange to not have her around, especially at Thanksgiving.
I think I might just set an extra place setting at the table in her honor. Your blog has meant so much to me. Cousin Kathy