Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The mother guilt of 23 years ago

This haunts me now, even though I don't remember this even happening. I wonder if McKay does?

My sister Robin saved two boxes of memories from my parents. In one of those boxes I found a letter
last night I had written to them while they were on their mission, dated June 25, 1993.

Our scanner is broken so I will just type my most concerning paragraph here.

Just FYI, McKay was 9 and Logan was 14.

"...McKay got 3 goldfish on Saturday from a birthday party. He 
worries about these fish and it's driving us all nuts! A few days 
ago Logan told him his fish would die of boredom because 
there were no rocks or decorations in the fish bowl. So here it 
was 9pm and McKay began insisting we help him find rocks in 
our backyard for them. We were all tired and no one was in the 
mood to go outside in the dark looking for rocks for his fish, so 
he ended up crying himself to sleep. The next night he began 
crying again because he was certain the middle fish didn't get 
any food when he fed them that morning. Bill suggested we 
move the middle fish into a bowl of it's own and let McKay feed 
it separately. I told Bill that if we did that once we'd be doing it 
every night! Robin says goldfish only live 2 weeks, so we're hoping..."

What was so important that evening that I couldn't have gone outside to get a few rocks for McKay's
fish? Or why didn't I make Logan do it? He's the one who said the fish would die of boredom. It's not
McKay's fault that he has always cared for every living thing.

And why didn't I just take Bill's suggestion and get a separate bowl for the middle fish?? And why
does this bother me 23 years later? It's not like I can do anything about it now.


Richard said...

The answer is pretty were a bad mother. But doing much better now, of course.

Robin said...

I remember quite vividly the goldfish that jumped out of the bowl in your room which you found under your bed. That's probably where the 2 week rule came from. I am not making this up. I can still picture that poor stiff little fish.

Anonymous said...

We all have regrets. Feel it and let it go. You were, overall, a great mother! And McKay's tender heart remained intact in spite of anything that ever happened. Children are remarkably resilient.

Anonymous said...

Ditto to what Darlene said. (I'm still shaking my head over Richard's comment)pjc

Susan Anderson said...

I love you, Jill. That's all.