Monday, February 22, 2010

I finally found the book I was raised by!

So I was in Barnes and Noble the other night looking for a book I read about on another blog, because I think I was raised this way.

And I know my mother never read was not printed till after she was done parenting.

But as far as I can tell, it's her philosophy.

I couldn't remember the exact title but I knew it was something like,  "How to raise a child without force."

So I go to the Parenting section of this book store and notice all the books are listed by author in alphabetical order.  

I go up to the Customer Service desk where there are 2 waiting clerks with 2 empty computers.
Both gentlemen look to be about 20 years old, 25 at the most.  I ask one of them,
"Excuse me, but I'm looking for a book called How to raise a child without force.  Do you know if you carry that book?"

The young clerk turns to me and says,  "
"Just go look through our Parenting section."

"I've already done that, but the books are all listed by the author and I don't know who the author is."

Then this same young clerk says to me,
"Well have you tried verbal affirmations?  Or there are other things you can try, like....

I cut him off and said,
"I'm all done parenting.  I'm just looking for a book CALLED,  "How to raise a Child Without Force."

I wanted to say,  "Look at me.  Do I look like I am just beginning parenting??   I'm old enough to be your mother, maybe even your grandmother!" 

I know, he was just trying to help.  But I laugh now every time I think of him trying to educating me about not being so forceful as a parent!

This all started when I read one of my favorite blogs last week, Asking Jane.    Jane is the mother of 11 children.  Her blog was put together by her oldest daughter Natalie, the mother of 4 sons.  About once or twice a week Jane will answer a specific parenting question.  Her take on things is a bit different but I love her answers.

A few days ago she gave the book title that I went looking for.  I got the title a bit wrong.  Here it is:
Raising a Child not by Force but by Love

Check out Jane's question last week and see what you think.  Her answer will not be what you expect.  Oh and you can submit your child raising questions, and I'm sure she will answer them!  She is one very wise mother and grandmother. 

I realize I have mentioned this blog before, but it's impressive.

PS  The book's basic philosophy is raising your child by the Golden Rule, which the author believes is a higher law than 'natural consequences.'  It's all about how to treat a child the way you would want to be treated.  Yep, that was my Mom's way!

Oh, and keep in mind, the logo on Jane's blog was created by her her daughter is the one calling her mother "brilliant", not Jane :)) 


grandmapeg said...

After you mentioned that book to me last week or the week before I think I got on Amazon and googled it and it came up. I don't think our library has it yet, but I'll keep checking for it. Let us know how you like it.

Sue said...

I do agree with Jane, especially once she clarified that this kind of parenting doesn't mean being permissive...that you still stick to the boundaries but just enforce them lovingly.

I think that's what I did, mostly, and like adult children and I are very close.


Susan Rozier said...

Oh my, this sounds so ideal. I wonder if I would do things differently if I had it to do all over again. I'd like to think so.

Kudos to your mom who sounds like she was kind to her very soul.

Wish I could "make my kids" be parents like this without having been raised this way. Hmmm. Susan

darlene said...

You found it!

Jill said...

Oh Susan, I think you were probably more like this than you realize. Just ask your kids.

I don't think my mom had this philosophy or any one in particular. She would say she wanted to do 'natural consequences' but then she couldn't follow through. It just wasn't in her. So I think she just parented this way by instinct. She was kind, and it's just who she was. You are very kind too Susan.

Rebecca said...

this looks like a good book. I use this philosophy as well in raising my kids. Never can have too much love I say!

Mom of 3 Boys said...

Thanks for sharing the link again. I had lost it when my computer was reformatted. I'm adding this book to my list of holds at the library. I'm sure I have something more to learn about this process.

Thanks again!


Jill said...

It's not a real smooth read. I think it was punched out on the author's typewriter in the 1970s. I've just started reading it.

Tom and Karen Mortensen said...

Looks interesting. Let us know how it turns out. It must be good advice because all of your mom's children turned out wonderful, even Richard!!!

Brock said...

I think loving your child is your most important job, and if your goal is to have them grow up to be your best friend perhaps her advice was right on... If you want them to grow up to be healthy independent adults I question her advice...As much a natural consequences are hard, the world is full of them and if you don't learn them in the loving arms of your parents the world is going to be a cruel cruel place... I think there needs to be a careful balance of both... Just one mom's opinion...

Brock said...

I'm gonna have to agree with Erin, but I'll put it a little more bluntly: I think this is terrible parenting advice. It presupposes that letting your child suffer consequences is NOT love. Scripturally, we know that to be supremely untrue. I'm not talking about choosing force over love; I'm questioning her very definition of the word love. It's not one I'm familiar with.

A wise parent once rhymed: Someday you'll have a family of your own, and so you'll need to be full grown. I'm not trying to raise a best friend. I'm trying to raise a functioning, responsible and moral adult.

There are so many, many ways to show our love to our children that are completely outside any discussions of chores or consequences for bad behavior. If you're vigilant in those areas, then when it comes time to discipline they won't mistake your anger or disappointment for something that it isn't.

My two cents.

Natalie said...

Well, Brock=)

Of course this parenting style is not for everyone, and there is much more that goes into it than can be captured in one short post. But as a mother myself now, I have found this advice to be very valuable.

The role a parent plays in this style of parenting is not that of a "buddy", but rather a compassionate teacher who sees children as people who deserve to be taught patiently, respected, and treated kindly.

I am the product of that sort of parenting and let me assure you that in addition to being very close to my mom, I'm also a functioning, responsible, and moral adult, as are all of my adult siblings. =)

And Jill, my mom said the same thing about the isn't an easy read and you really have to wade through it to get the gems from it.